


Beyond Bravery & Brotherhood

by Januaryskies



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Godfather Sirius Black, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Secret Keeper Sirius Black, Werewolf Discrimination, mention of childhood abuse, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-05-25 21:43:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6211231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Januaryskies/pseuds/Januaryskies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James and Lily made a choice, and that choice was Sirius no matter what, so he was the Potter's Secret Keeper. When Peter discovered it, he reported it to Voldemort...<br/>Or, a story about what brotherhood and loyalty mean, with a lot of Wolfstar. With a happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Potter's choice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aeeet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeeet/gifts), [kayjaylew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayjaylew/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily didn't want anyone but Sirius to be the Secret Keeper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So today is basically Remus's birthday and I think it's the WORST birthday gift ever, I'm sorry. I couldn't think about a happy plot for now.  
> Still, I solemnly swear this story will have a happy-sappy ending. And fluff. 
> 
> Above all, I would like to thank Kaylei, my very new beta!!! Great job, mate ^^

“I’m sorry, Padfoot, but it’s a no.” James said, handing a butterbeer to his friend. “Lily and I have talked about it all night we’re certain. I mean, I know it’s obvious – I’ll be forcing one of the best fighters of the Order into hiding – and I know you’d have to play scapegoat if we agree to your plan, but we just can’t. I mean, we don’t even trust Dumbledore anymore! Not to say we think he’s the traitor, though he is a bit barmy sometimes…” 

“Dumbledore is not a Marauder.” 

“But neither Peter nor Dumbledore are my brothers, Sirius. _You_ are. You are the only person in the whole world in whose hands I trust to keep my family safe, Lily aside, and she trusts you as much as I do. We’ve made our choice, and our choice is you.” 

Sirius gazed into James’s hazel eyes. They were stern and concerned and so bloody serious that it hurt. James wasn’t supposed to have to be the serious one. He was supposed to be the carefree Maurader. He had lost his parents, sure – they were like parents to Sirius as well – but they’d all lost people, some to a more sinister force than others. Of course it had hurt, but the facts were, James had experienced a comfortable childhood. This was not to say that the moment he knew about his friend’s situations – Peter’s father's abandonment, Sirius’s abusive parents and, of course Remus’s furry little problem – James hadn't done everything he could to support them, because all the while, whether it was making them laugh through pranks, cuddles, puns, tissues and gifts, or lifting their spirits being fun and caring, he was by their side. However, he was never truly serious about most things. 

Sirius had to admit that the realization hurt. The war wasn’t just theirs anymore, it was affecting the innocent lives that they'd sworn to protect. Harry's need for protection had caused James to mature from his school days. 

The Potter’s kitchen was perfectly silent. Harry was napping upstairs in the nursery, and Lily was somewhere about. She could always tell when James needed alone time with his friend, which seemed to be at least once a day. Marrying James was half-marrying Sirius, and she long since had become used to their antics. Sirius had better have known that she was a part of the decision of making him godfather. 

Both men were now sitting at the wooden table, a butterbeer in their hands, exchanging knowing looks. In better days, they could spend hours communicating with only their body language, but there wasn’t the time now. They hadn’t even an hour to waste. Time was running out. Voldemort was looking for them; For Harry, because of the Prophecy. The Longbottoms, whose son was also a candidate for the boy of the prophecy, were incapacitated. They didn’t even have the slightest clue about where they were anymore. Moreso than James and Lily, Harry was in danger, and Harry was only a fourteen months old toddler, whom Sirius valued more than his own life. He hated that war that forced his adorable godson to live hidden and locked up in a house, even if it was a loving one. He hated Voldemort, he hated his Death Eaters, and he hated his mother's other son, Regulus, but he loved James, Harry, and Lily. They needed him, and so here he was. It was as simple as that. 

“You already know my answer, Prongs,” Sirius finally sighed, nodding. “I will do anything, for you, anytime. I'll do it. I'll be your Secret Keeper.” 

James reached over to pull Sirius into a hug, and pressed their foreheads together. 

“Ta, mate,” he muttered. 

“Let’s do this,” Sirius whispered. 

~~~ 

Sirius crashed on the sofa with a heavy sigh. They had done it. The Fidelias. He could literally feel the weight of the secret on his chest, and it was heavier than a bloody standing stone. He was so tired that even the idea of moving seemed awful. But, the Potters were safe. Harry was safe. James was safe. Lily was safe. As long as the two rebellious marauders didn’t play daredevil, they would stay that way. James wouldn't risk his family's safety, and Sirius knew it. He would do the same, even if he was supposed to leave the flat. He couldn’t tell Remus… It would hurt the werewolf, but Sirius had no choice. For months, Remus had been secretive and distant, gone for weeks without a word, storming back to their home but swearing he still loved him. They were shagging like it was the last time, but then he disappeared again as soon as he had recovered from the full moon. 

Sometimes they had rows instead of sex, because they were worried and stressed and sorrowful and angry, and their make-ups were rough and full of swearing and tears and crushing embraces and love bites but each time, Sirius felt like he was losing him a tiny bit more, and maybe he was. After what he’ll have to do now, he certainly would anyway. He hated himself for leaving like that. Remus would feel abandoned and betrayed, and he wouldn’t even be able to run to James for comfort, because James wouldn’t be here anymore. Peter was always the worst at comforting friends. Maybe he would write him a note? Something to let him know he still loved him, even if they've been falling apart for months now, but that he still loved him with the same blind passion he always had, despite their secrets. He would always want to tell them everything but couldn’t, though he would come back as soon as everything was over, and Peter would promise that he would love his friends until they were old and grey and looking up to meet their grandchildren’s children eyes. 

Still lying boneless on the couch, Sirius felt tears tickling his eyes and snorted. He positively hated his emotional side, not punk at all. But he had no time to be punk anymore. 

“Brace yourself and get up,” he said aloud. 

Which was utterly useless, because he didn’t move at all. 

He sighed again. He needed about five more minutes to stand up and grab his magically expanding rucksack. He began to fill it carefully. He was going on a camping trip, but a several month long one, only alone and without the fun. So: warm clothes. Tent. Sleeping bag. Camping gear. He hesitated a long time before packing his guitar and a few tabs to play. He couldn’t bring anything to play music for him, and wouldn’t take them away anyways because he knew Remus couldn’t afford another record player. If he could leave a clue that would help Remus understand what happened, he would. 

Thinking of Remus hurt, and he took a break just to wipe the tears he couldn’t restrain anymore. 

“Fuck,” he growled, “bloody fucking fuck…” 

He curled up on their bed, hugging tight Remus’s pillow, the one carrying his boyfriend's wild, deep, bittersweet smell of old parchment and fresh ink and tea – the fucking tea that Sirius loved so much. But what was normally a comforting scent was heartbreaking now, because he won’t see his Moony for who knows how long. 

“Come on, Padfoot, you knew it had to be that way sooner or later, so stop whining and do what you have to!” he growled, and grasping the pillow harshly, he threw it in his rucksack. “Screw you, Moony, I love you so much that it hurts…” 

In a moment of perfect honesty, he added few handkerchiefs to the package. 

And a bottle of Firewhisky. 

After half an hour of throwing stuff in the bag, growling and sometimes failing to suppress tears, he deemed his bag finished. So he went on the kitchen and fixed dinner, his last one before the journey. The last good one for a while, and he wasn’t even hungry. After that, he was going to write a letter to Moony, no matter how risky it was, and then… then he will be gone, hiding and being hunted and keeping his best friend and family safe. 

There was a creak by the door, and he was immeditely on his guard, gripping his wand and ducking behind the sofa as soon as it creaked open. 

“Sirius?” Remus’s voice asked. “Are you in here?” 

He didn’t move. Remus’s appearances were so erratic that they made a habit to check each other's identity. 

“What did I give you for your birthday in second year?” he asked in reply, still hidden. 

He almost could feel Moony’s smile. 

“A stuffed wolf cub that should currently be in my closet, keeping an eye on my jumpers. What did I get you the same year?” 

“A handmade red and gold scarf, because you learned through James that my parents had refused to buy me one… You knitted it yourself. Snape burned it when we was in fourth year. Oh, Merlin,” he huffed in relief and threw himself in Moony’s waiting arms. “You… I wasn’t expecting you, but are you hungry? I was cooking dinner.” 

“Aren’t you angry? For what I’ve said the other day, I – oh Sirius I’m so sorry! I said horrible things to you I didn’t even think and – ” 

“Shut up and kiss me. Kiss me _now._ Snog me stupid, shag me till I forget my name, hold me tight and please tell me you love me, lie to me if you need I don’t care but – ” 

He was stopped by a long kiss, hands grasping his waist and neck, tongues fighting, and he leaned into the sensation before truly responding. 

Someone cleared his throat behind them, making both of them jump in surprise, wands up. 

“Oi, lovebirds,” a familiar voice teased. “If I was a Death Eater, you'd be dead!” 

“Peter,” Remus deadpanned, “you couldn't of knocked before entering?” 

“I did, twice. At least we know it's us. If I hadn't been me, my imposter would have looked surprised and disgusted at this little scene, and if you weren’t you, you wouldn’t be snogging.” 

“Always a delight to hear you speak about our love, Wormy. What’s up?” 

“Mad Eye sent me to give you the place of tomorrow’s meeting. Muggle pub in London.” 

He gave them the address and was gone. They ate a light meal, considering that Sirius had initially cooked it for one and not two people, but they didn’t mind. The black-haired man knew his lover was aware of what was going on, but he didn’t bring the topic in. They remained mostly silent, unable to make small talk. 

They didn’t clear the table, just abandoned everything where it was. They went back to snogging after a while, Remus fumbling with his lover’s shirt and trousers, undressing him while pinning him to the kitchen’s wall. Still, it was Sirius who dragged Remus to the bedroom, throwing away the werewolf’s jumper, almost forgetting to lock up their front door. They desperately made love, whispering each other’s name, never unlocking their eyes, not really caring about pleasure, but only about the other’s physical presence, scent, and touch. 

The sky was dark when they ended it by a long, steamy shower punctuated by moans and tears, though Sirius would claim that it was just the shower’s water on his face. 

When they dried and went for clothes, Remus grabbed his pyjamas and dressing-gown. 

Sirius grabbed his jeans and jacket. 

“Now?” Remus asked sadly. 

He had known Sirius would leave as soon as he had seen the rucksack in the living room, even without Sirius telling to him. But so soon? 

“I have to.” Sirius sighed. “I’m sorry, Moony. I won’t be here for the next moon.” 

“How long?” 

“I… I don’t know. I’ve paid the rent for the flat for six months, maybe I’ll be able to come back from time to time. I… Fuck, Moony, I still love you, it’s not because of you!” 

“It’s about the war,” Remus nodded. “It’s about James. And Lily. You’re their Secret Keeper, aren’t you?” 

“Merlin, it’s so obvious! The Death Eaters will know the instant they’ll discover the charm! That’s why I must go. I’ll hide. Travel. I don’t know.” 

“It’s okay, love, it will be fine. At least, you were able to tell me about your mission. I’m so sorry I can’t tell you anything about mine without putting you in danger.” 

Sirius’s lips tightened. 

“I’ll miss you. I mean, I already miss you, but it will be worse when I'm gone. I hate this war.” 

“So do I, Sirius. I hate the way it tears us apart… look at me,” Remus added, cupping his jaw and forcing eye contact. “Tell me where the Potters are. I mean, even if you think I’m the traitor, – I know you've thought about the possibility more than once, and I know why, and I hate myself for that, but I’m... fuck, I’m rambling, I’m so rambling but, Pads. I know you’ll give James some news. You can tell me, I won’t be able to tell anyone anyway now. I just… could try visiting them. James. Lily. Harry. Maybe you, if you manage to take a break at their place from time to time. And you’ll give Prongs news or he’ll die from worry, so… I'm rambling again, aren't I?” 

But Sirius pressed a single finger on Remus’s lips, leaned against him, and whispered the Potter’s address in his ear, so softly that the werewolf almost missed it. 

“Thank you,” he murmured. 

“I have to go,” Sirius answered and he broke the embrace and stepped back to the living room, his rucksack and his boots. 

Remus stayed where he was, standing in the bedroom. His last mission had been too rough, but he found the strength to see Sirius leave, possibly for forever. 

Bloody war. 

He thought he heard him putting on his boots, beginning to lace them, those stupid, heavy punk boots he always needed five minutes to put on properly. He heard him stand up and grab his bag. 

And the blast that destroyed their front door.


	2. Taken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things gets bad.  
> And James is angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, a huge THANK YOU to Kayjaylew, my beta, who did an amazing job!!! (my computer did strange things again so I hope their corrections weren't erased once more...)

The explosion threw Sirius on the back wall full force and knocked him between the bookshelves and the sofa. Remus stormed in the living room only to face three Death Eaters already entering the flat. There were others outside, he couldn’t tell how many. He shielded himself from another blasting spell, calling for Sirius. 

The black-haired man stood up groggily behind the shield his friend offered him and waved his own wand, jinxing the nearest opponent. Lightings flied everywhere. They put two of them down, and soon a third they stupefixed both at the same time, but there were still four of them and they seemed far too confident. 

“Backdoor,” Remus said as they both realised they could never face seven Death Eaters by themselves. 

They retreated slowly in the corridor that lead to the bathroom and the spare bedroom and opened on fire stairs where they could Apparate. They were middle way between the living room and the spare room when the backdoor cracked open and three other Death Eaters flew in. 

_“Fuck, run!”_ Sirius pushed Remus forward and they locked themselves up in the spare bedroom. 

“Window,” Remus instantly said, opening it with a spell. 

The bedroom’s door exploded. 

They ran to the window, avoiding a Transfiguration spell that hurt the frame and transfigured the window into a plain brick wall. Sirius turned back and faced the Death Eaters. He couldn’t count them, but they were cornered. Remus blasted the wall. They jumped from the second floor as another hex hit Remus right between the shoulders. 

The last thing he saw was Sirius’s back, standing, wand up and hairs dancing mad around his head. In front of him was Voldemort himself, and his lips were slowly twisting in a cruel smile. 

~~~ 

He woke up in a whine. His whole body was a huge scream of pain and cold. 

The dawn showed up slowly in London’s October skies. Beaming upon him, he saw Sirius. 

Sirius the star. 

His Sirius, the wizard one, was gone. 

He was there, lying flat on his sore back in front of their destroyed home, alone and wounded, and he cried. 

“Fuck,” he blurted out rolling on his side and curling in a ball of messy sandy curls and ragged pajamas. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck!”_

How could have they been so careless? How could have they been so stupid? How could have he himself mess up that bad? 

They just wanted a couple of hours together. A couple of hours and now… 

James. 

He had to tell James. 

He stood up biting his lips hard not to moan and limped in. His right leg refused to obey him, so he casted a ferula on it. His Episkey was still quite bad. Sirius was the good one with healing spells… 

He broke in tears passing what had been their front door earlier in the night. 

Sirius’s rucksack was lying near the destroyed bookshelves, torn to pieces on the floor. Remus kneeled and picked the only thing he needed now: Sirius’s two-sided mirror. 

“James,” he called harshly, refraining hard from shouting his friend’s name so loud the whole block could hear him. “Wake up!” 

“Sr… _Rem?”_

James’s half-awake face showed up in the mirror as he put his glasses on his nose. Hazel eyes instantly lightened, alert and alarmed. 

“They got him,” Remus said quickly. “At our flat. They got him, Jamie, we, they, we were surrounded and we blasted the wall but he was there too, Voldemort I mean, and I was knocked out and I don’t know what they do to him what if he’sdeadIcan’timag – ” 

“Shut up,” James snapped hard. “Don’t move. Stay right where you are.” 

The werewolf opened stunned eyes but he obeyed. Three minutes later, a loud pop and a few running steps later, James was here, wearing trainers and pyjamas. He pointed his wand on Remus who was still lying on the floor, a shaking hand crispée on the mirror, bloody and ragged and livid. 

“What was the first thing you ever told me?” James growled. 

“I could have hexed them myself… I said, I could have hexed Nott and Malfoy myself.” 

James’s face broke in a strange expression of relief and despair and anger and he kneeled near his friend and squeezed his shoulder. 

“Did he told you? Can I bring you home?” 

“Yes, he did, he… he was going and…” 

“Hush, Moony, calm down,” James said, but his tone was harsh, hoarse and growling. “Can you stand up? We need to go out your anti-Apparition zone.” 

Remus nodded, now shaking harder and harder as the adrenaline left his body. James hold him up and helped him downstairs and in the street and Apparated sidelong with him in another street in Godrics Hollow. 

~~~ 

Half an hour later, Lily was mopping the blood on Remus’s face and healing his leg and concussion while James was pouring tea and Firewhisky. Remus was still shaking and crying, and his pyjamas and dressing gown were totally ruined. 

“It’s over, love,” Lily whispered stroking his hairs to soothe him. “Just breathe deep. Slowly. Here, you’re doing well.” 

Another moment and he was able to put the pieces together and to tell a coherent story which seemed to backstab James once more. When he finally shut up, Prongs was from far paler than him. 

“Missteps in the security protocol?” he asked dryly. 

“Not from me at last. And I don’t think Sirius did any.” 

James was at the verge of a massive tantrum or a long hard cry. This couldn't happen. Not to Sirius. Not to his Sirius, his brother, his other side, his right hand man, his more-than-a-best-friend-forever, not like that, not so quick, not – 

“I’ll kill him,” he suddenly snapped. “I’ll kill them, _all of them,_ one by one and I’ll blow their bodies to bits and leave them to the crows, and if it really _is_ you who turns out to be the rat, Remus, I swear I’ll do you worse than death.” 

“For fuck’s sake, James, _I love him!_ I may be a fucking dark creature but I love him as much as you do and I would do anything to – ” 

“To what?” James jumped on his feet. “You’re here, alive with barely worse than a broken leg and a slight concussion while your whole flat was blown up! Sirius is gone and you were the only one other than Peter who knew where the fuck he _lived!_ Even the other members of the Order didn’t know! We barely cast the Fidelias this fucking afternoon! Nobody knows we’ve done it but you and him!” 

“Are you insane?” Remus growled, “Do you need me to remind you how many times I proved I was faithful to you all?” 

SMACK! SMACK! 

Both men jumped and rose unsure fingers to their burning cheeks. Hand still up, Lily glared at them. 

_“Shut the hell up, both of you!_ James, you stop spewing nonsense. and Remus, you can't play the martyr Werewolf right now. Use your brains, for Merlin’s sake! Someone else knew, and that someone is the traitor, and if you two could just calm down and put the pieces together, you’d understand. I believe you, Rem, even if it’s almost a wonder you’re not dead. Now, you said you were with Sirius the whole time, and that nobody saw you except Peter.” 

“Except…” Remus began. 

“… Peter,” James ended. 

“I can’t believe it. Peter? I suppose he always was a coward!” 

Lily’s brain was running swift and sharp as always, a well-oiled machine she used to perfection. 

“It may be hard to believe, but we shouldn't jump to conclusions, boys. He acted as the clumsy, terrified boy, but his attitude sometimes drove us in traps and ambushes, not to mention risky rescue missions, remember? That’s how we lost the Prewett brothers. He knew everything from the beginning, where Sirius and Remus lived, that we were going to cast a Fidelias, the Prophecy, and Remus, you said he saw you and Sirius, and that Sirius’s rucksack was ready in the living room? Everything makes sense.” 

“But he’s our friend…” Remus babbled. “He’s a _Marauder…_ He’s… He’s part of our pack… He’s family…” 

“We would die for him, each of us… You, me and Sirius, without even thinking –” 

“He’s a Gryffindor…” 

“Sirius thought he could even be Secret Keeper…” 

A loud silence stunned them as James’s words helped paint the picture of what would have happened if they had chosen Peter. Lily left the kitchen and came back a moment later, cradling Harry in her arms, anxious to know that he was alright. James walked up from behind, and hugged both of them tightly. Remus’s heart broke in hundreds of tiny crystal pieces, and suddenly felt very alone. Could he be a part of something so precious one day? As though sensing his friend's distress, James turned his head and invited him in. He hesitated, but Lily’s arm flew out, and welcomed him to the hug where tiny Harry was still sleeping peacefully. 

“You’re safe,” Remus muttered. “He won’t talk, and they wouldn't k-kill him, the spell would be sealed forever. They can't risk it, they need him. You’re safe,” he repeated to assure himself. “You’re safe.” 

“But Sirius isn't,” James added breaking the embrace. “I don’t even want to imagine what they’ll do to him. He’s more than a brother to me, and I – I can’t bear the idea that they’re torturing him, hurting him – He’s had enough with those insane parents of his – I’m the one who chose him…” 

“You’d better not begin to think any more self-sacrificial nonsense, Jamie,” Lily shook her head. “Remus, you ought to rest for now, there’s nothing you can do in your current shape. You can use the spare room, it’s always ready.” 

“I’ll go to Dumbledore,” James sternly said. “if we can capture Peter during the next Order’s meeting or something, we could built a rescue team for Sirius. I can’t abandon him.” 

Lily nodded. 

“I know, love. I won’t stop you. Just, be careful. I don’t want Harry to lose both his godfather and father.” 

“I will. Moony, I’m sorry. For being a git.” 

“Don’t, Prongs. Go to Dumbledore, I don’t feel good enough to retell everything.” 

They hugged briefly, James kissed Lily and Harry and raced out, still wearing pyjamas and slippers. 

“It’s a good thing you’re shorter than James,” Lily crooked a sad, tired smile rocking her baby but glaring at Remus’s rags. “Because you’ll need a new set of pyjamas, and better too long than too short.” 

He managed a weak chuckle. 

“Thanks, Lily.” 

“Hush. You know where the bathroom is. I’ll bring you what you need.” 

He nodded and went to the bathroom to undress. 

As his destroyed dressing gown fell on the floor, a thick thud alerted him. He crouched down and pulled the cloth apart to discover what had fall from the pocket. 

“What in the name of Merlin...” he gasped. 

It was Sirius’s wand.


	3. Blacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Black... (sorry for that awful pun.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, thanks to kayjaylei for the proofreading ^^

The cell was dark, bare, cold, and damp. Sirius was pinned to the stone wall, arms tied up far above his head, and it hurt . The tip of his toes  were brushing the floor, just enough to attain steadiness . That single fact already was very uncomfortable. But it was nothing compared to the memory that played over and over and over again in his mind, like some skipping muggle movie on Arthur Weasley’s magical telly.

_First was_ _the jump through the window, the hard landing on the street, and the instant recovery as he spotted Voldemort. Remus’s scream of pain and surprise half a second before he crashed near him, knocked out_ _, or worse._ _Voldemort’s slow, mad smile. His own wand drawing a constant flow of jinxes and shielding spells as he faced the Death Eaters. Their master only watched them there, but Sirius wasn’t the kind of_ _person to submissively admit defeat._

_ He threw a hex at the Dark Lord. _

_Of course it was reckless and stupid and useless._ _ It didn’t even touch him _ _, he didn’t even make him wave his wand: one of the Death Eaters – a woman, judging by the voice, and Sirius was pretty sure it was his mad cousin Bellatrix – shielded him instead. Still_ _ , Voldemort _ _finally blasted_ _ him, _ _and magical ropes tied his wrists and ankles as all the Death Eaters b_ _ egan to holler with glee. _

_One of them grabbed his wand from his unmovable hand and_ _ he swore as loud as he could, being completely winded. Anot _ _her one pushed him hard in the back and he fell on the asphalt of the street_ _ with a groan.. T _ _he two of them then forced him to stay down, his bleeding face crushed on the ground, despite his fierce attempt to free himself._

_Slowly, his feet moved (crawling more than walking) through the half-blown up street, Voldemort stepped forward and in front of him._

_“Sirius Orion Black,” he hissed, pulling a mop of black hair to force eye contact with his prisoner, “heir of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. What a pleasure to meet you.”_

_“Unfortunately, I don’t share the sentiment.” Sirius growled._

_“Playing it the hard way again, aren’t you? It’s a shame that such a skilled dueller like yourself has such a narrow mind.”_

_“I'll never be ashamed to fight you!”_

_Voldemort didn’t deign him with an answer. He snapped his fingers and a Death Eater went to Remus's unconscious form. He pointed his wand at him and in a frozen, terrifying second of clearness, Sirius understood._

_“NO!” he yelled at the same time the Death Eater spoke:_

_“_ Avada Kedavra! _”_

_There was a ray of green light, and Sirius's heart exploded, both with the knowledge that Remus was dead, and also because he knew that voice._

_“NO!” he screamed, tears tickling his eyes and soon wetting his cheeks. “YOU BASTARD!”_

_“It's shameful for a Black to weep for a beast.” the Death Eater said looking down at him. “How much lower can you fall, brother?”_

_His mind turned blank of rage._

_“YOU ARE NO BROTHER OF MINE, YOU ARSE! DO YOU HEAR ME, REGULUS? I’LL KILL YOU!”_

_“Unfortunate, you won’t be given much of an opportunity. Blood traitors don’t deserve to breathe the same air as us with nobler cause.”_

_“The only traitor I see is the smarmy git in front of me!”_

_“May I, my Lord?” Regulus calmly asked the Dark Lord, who gave a small nod in confirmation._

_Sirius saw the wand wave, and the second later everything was black._

 

He had woken up in this cell, chained on the wall with anti-shift handcuffs, half-naked and with no way to know for how long he had been out. There was no sound around him but his own, heavy breathing, and the darknesses were such that he couldn't even see his own body. He felt sore and dizzy and thirsty, but this pain didn’t compare with the knowledge that Remus Lupin was gone.

All because of Sirius.

Sirius had been the target. He had been the target and Remus... Remus had just been in the wrong place at the wrong moment and he had paid for it with his life.

He had wasted time at their flat, taking ages to pack his bloody bag, lying mindlessly on the couch. If he had left by the time Remus had come home, the werewolf would still be alive.

If he had been stronger, and had resisted the urge to spend one last evening with Remus…

He could built one million scenarios in his mind where Remus would be alive.

Remus was dead because of him.

Once he had thought that his mother performing the cruciatus curse on him was the most painful thing on the world. Later, he found that his friends giving him the cold shoulder after the Prank was far worse. He now knew that he had reached another step in suffering.

This was a type of pain couldn’t use words to describe.

And he was alone with that knowledge.

~~~

“Ah, Regulus,” the Dark Lord said as the young Death Eater entered the dining room of the  manor. “We were expecting you. How is your brother?”

“With all due respect, my Lord,” the yo ungest Black bowed in reverence, “he is no brother of mine. But I ensured that he woke up to face his own forfeiture.”

“Very well. Sit.”

Regulus obeyed. There were only four of them for now: the Dark Lord, Bellatrix, Severus and himself. No doubt Voldemort had seen that the meeting stayed private, with only his most loyal followers.

“Now, I am willing to hear your advice about a better way to get the dog to speak. As you know,  neither the Veritaserum or the Imperio curse succ eeded in telling us where the young Potter family hides. Bellatrix suggests to cruciate him until he breaks, and Severus wants to use Wormtail as bait. What would you suggest?”

“My elder of course is clever,” Regulus said eyeing both Bellatrix and Snape, “but I know Sirius best. Our mother used the Cruciatus curse as a common punishment for him, considering his deviant behaviour, and he tolerated Pettigrew because he made him look good in comparison more than considering him a friend. But Snape is on the right path. The loss of the werewolf was an enormous blow. That's why I suggest to simply let him moulder in his cell, away from any kind of interaction, and then let my dear cousin Bella have some fun until he breaks. Time is on our side. It doesn't matter if it takes a week or if it takes a year, but rushing may kill him, sealing the spell.”

“I like the plan,” Bellatrix snickered.

“Wonderful as always, Regulus,” Voldemort leered. “You are indeed a prodigy. I see a bright future for you.”

“Thank you, my Lord. I am proud to serve you, and to help built the new world you are willing to create for us.”

“Go, now, and do what you must. I will see you tomorrow. Bellatrix. Severus, you know your objective. Regulus, you are in charge of your brother's treatment. Do not fail me.”

“Yes, my Lord,” the three Death Eaters chorused before standing and leaving the room.

They split up quickly after that. Regulus went back to Grimmauld Place.

The old house was silent. It was early in the morning, as he had been up all night with Sirius's capture and inprisonment, but Walburga was waiting for him.

“Good morning, Mother.”

“Regulus,” she greeted him. “Did you do well in your endeavour?”

“Yes, Mother. He will be dead as soon as he is no longer useful.”

“You are a good son. Your father will be proud of you, as I am.”

“Thank you, Mother. If you don't mind, I will go to clean up before joining you for breakfast.”

“Please do, my son. And take all the time you need to rest.”

He nodded and went to the bathroom.

There, locked up far away from spying eyes, Reg curled up under the heavy, hot water, and began to cry in earnest.

 


	4. Speculations & Firewhisky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gets drunk, Remus breaks, Lily is the only one with her head on her shoulders, and someone is obviously trying to help.

_“Lily!”_ Remus freaked out. “LILY!”

The redhead stormed in, alarmed.

“What happened, Rem? You okay?”

“Lily, please tell me I’m dreaming,” he babbled handing her Sirius’s wand.

She looked at it, bewildered and cautious, but didn’t touch it.

“How?”

“My pocket. It was in my dressing gown bloody fucking _pocket_ …”

She knelt down and grabbed the cloth and searched the two pockets, in which she found a note. A single word was written in an unfamilar messy scrawl:

HIDE

“What the fuck does this mean?” Remus growled.

“Well, ordinarily it means ‘stay out of sight,’ and I think it’s quite good advice to give someone who is wounded and distressed.”

“Smartarse.”

“I know. Showertime, Remus. I’ll think about it while you wash yourself and we’ll talk about it as soon as you will be able to relax a bit. You just can’t think clearly right now.”

Remus shook his head, but obeyed. The infuriating thing with Lily was that she was almost always right. Not that she didn't have flaws – you _never_ wanted to face Angry Lily, even if you weren’t the object of her ire, and she had quite a short temper – but she was caring. Not the way Sirius was, but more in a steadying, straightening way that was helpful in tough times. As Remus had to admit that tough times were a good summary of his own life, Lily was one of the few blessings of his life, along with the Marauders and... and nothing else, now that he was out of Hogwarts and that his parents were both dead.

The hot water on his face remembered him another one, earlier in the night, and he reached the breaking point in no time. One second he was rubbing his arms with soap, the next one he was hunched in the tub, crying all the tears he had left in his body. At that very moment he discovered what despair, true, deep, dark despair was, like a Dementor was eating all his relief and joy and happiness out of his mind and body and soul. It hurt so much he couldn't help but whine and sob and far too soon the water ran cold on his back and shoulders and he crawled out of the tub. His body was the only part of his being that felt clean. If anything, however, he was calmer.

He put the pajamas Lily brought him and went back to the living room, where the redhead was waiting for him, Sirius's wand in front of her.

“You better?” she asked.

He shrugged. She sighed.

“Do you want to have a good cry?”

“Actually? Yes, but in his arms. And to tell him how much I'm sorry for keeping Dumbledore's bullshits secret and everything.”

“Point is. You can't.”

“Very comforting, Lils, thanks.”

“But if you need to cry, I can offer you a shoulder if anything. We can talk about the wand, the note and the war tomorrow. You can postpone strength and bravery till you catch some sleep up. Or, we can plan a whole counter attack right now. Whatever you need. I won't be able to sleep as long as James is outside anyway, so...”

“I think I can't sleep as well. I... I want to work. Work on anything.”

“So let's give that enigma a try, would we? Whose Death Eaters were you able to recognize during the fight?”

Remus grimaced, as he forced his memory to revive the hardest moment of his life.

“Bellatrix Lestrange, almost for sure. She's got a very distinctive voice. At least two of them were tall and big, so either Crabbe, Goyle or Dolohov, and... Lils, I'm sorry...”

“Severus was there, wasn't he?”

Remus's eyes went down.

“Yes. He was.”

Lily shook her head.

“I know we once were friends, but today... I feel awful about that sometimes, but I hate him just like the others. I mean, he chose it, Remus. He was supposed to be my friend and he chose to follow someone with a belief that someone like me was inferior.”

“I think... I think he was in love with you. The way he looked at you.”

“If he did, then he's twice as repulsive. When James discovered that his feelings for me were serious – _don't_ turn that into a pun _–_ He decided to change. Sev did the exact opposite. I pity him, but he isn't worth my anger.”

Remus nodded. That was Lily: wild and proud, independent and incorruptible. He lost himself for a while in her little speech and it helped.

“Who else?” she asked.

“It's hard to be sure... They all were masked as always, and I wasn't maying attention to their voices... Snape's familiar, and Lestrange's unusual, but the others... Malfoy, I should guess, and a very hard blaster that must be Rosier, and... Nott, maybe? At least acting the same way: some calm, vicious one, so as well him or...”

“Regulus Black,” Lily ended, following his thought. “I don't see him doing that. He hates Sirius, doesn't he?”

“They... they were brothers once...” Remus couldn't help but let go. “I remember the first year at Hogwarts, when Sirius was talking about him... About how he was sure his precious little brother would be some Ravenclaw or even Gryffindor, and never a Slytherin arsehole, as he said... He had cried, you know? The whole night after the Sorting. He said he had lost his brother. James stayed with him and hugged him till the morning. Peter and I felt asleep, but James didn't. At the morning, he threw him on the shower, yelling he had better to keep himself together because his brother was waiting for him. And when Sirius said he had no brother anymore... James had put a hand on his heart and proclaimed he was Sirius's brother, and shall never betray him.”

He chuckled and sobbed at the same time, and Lily hold him a tissue.

“Everything was totally over-dramatic, as you may figure. They both love to be drama-queens.”

“Part of James I definitively hope Harry would never catch.”

“With both of them around? You're very optimistic, Lils... Speaking of the devil, why isn't James back already?”

“You've been pretty quick with your shower, so he may be gone for one hour by now? It's not that long as Dumbledore shall have wake up half of the Order...”

“He won't handle a meeting of the Order, I think he needs catharsis... Lily, do you remember last time James was depressed?”

“After his parent's death, I assume? James is a joyful kind of person... Even when we learnt about the Prophecy, he was nothing but determinded. But after his parent's death, I remember he hanged out with Sirius and they wasted themselves silly in some Muggle pub. Cops caught them as they were both loosing control of their magic and they had to wait for you and me to get them out of cell when they cleared enough to send a Patronus.”

“Well, let me inform you it's the normal way of James Potter to react to a bad news. Get wasted with Sirius Black.”

“Except Sirius...”

“Don't worry, your husband's everything but a lone wolf. I just can't guess who he will convince to drink with him.”

~~~

James wasn’t drunk. Or, not so drunk. He barely had a couple of beers. Okay, maybe a couple of couple of beer. Plus a few shots of whiskies. Not so much. It wasn’t that bad. He looked far worse than he was. It was his hairs, you know. The messy hair never helped.

Okay, he was wasted.

Not enough to lose control or to forget the evening, but enough to be unable to fight properly, which was very bad and very stupid and he hated himself. But he couldn’t forgive himself, because his brother was tortured by a bunch of insane dark wizards and witches because of him. And alcohol was supposed to help and it didn’t at all.

Facing him at the other side of the table, Minerva McGonagall was still sipping her very first glass of liquor with an unaltered patience.

“He's my brother, y'know?” the young man mumbled for the hundreth time. “My b'ther n' all but blood, an' who cares 'bout fuckin' blood?”

“Obviously none of you, James. Please be careful with your glass, this whisky is better in than out of it.”

“S'rry, Pr'fessor. For the glass... 'nd everthin' else?”

“I have no clue what you are talking about, James. But I have tissues in my pocket in case you need one.”

“...”

“Please stop staring, Mr. Potter.”

“May I h'va tissue?”

She sighed and handed him the whole package. Once buried in one of them, he broke in tears.

He could never allow himself to do this in front of those he was supposed to be strong for – or at least it was what he thought, as life must one day teach him the other way. Lily, and Harry, and Remus. Remus was the very first one he felt protective over. He drank another sip of whisky and his head fell loudly on the table.

“Well, I assume you're drunk enough for now,” McGonagall shook her head. “Plus, your wife shall need you soon.”

“Hrurmpf...”

Dawn, indeed, was climbing the buildings. McGonagall waved her hand under the table to charm James with a feather light spell, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him out of the pub after paying the bill.

They took three steps outside before a teenage girl hurt them hardly and the three of them ended heavily on the asphalt.

“Sorry!” the teenager almost cried. “I'm so sorry,” she added frantically, helping McGonagall on her feet, then James. “I wasn't looking... Hope you aren't injured? Sure? O – Okay, have a nice day, and sorry again!”

And she ran away.

“Sh'g've a note,” James tried hard to stay coherent.

“I beg your pardon?” McGonagall startled.

“She gave me a note...”

He raised an unsure hand, tightly holding a crumpled piece of paper. McGonagall dragged him fast in a back alley where they Apparated at Hogwarts' gates, then in the Hospital Wing to have a couple of potions against hangover.

And looked at him with her very best teacher's eyes, that made the fully-grown man wanting to disappear or reduce to a mouse's size.

“Now you're with us again,” she snapped, “what is that note, Potter?”

He opened the parchment with a shaking hand.

 

IF YOU WANT YOUR BROTHER BACK, DO NOT LET THE WEREWOLF BE SEEN. I SHALL CONTACT YOU AGAIN SOON.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so loooong !!! I'm very busy with my own original novel that shall be released at the end of June, so I have had a very few time for fanfics, and a huge gap of motivation. However, it seems that people are still reading and as always, Kayjaylew is the best proofreader ever, so here you go and I swear the next chapter is on going!!!


	5. Out of senses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note : in this chapter are mentions and description of a kind of torture that doesn't look violent, but really is. If you're uncomfortable with that, you can skip the first part and go through the break (the ~~~ symbol.)

Sirius had waited.

For a lot of things.

For a door to creak.

For a mouth to sneer.

For a torch to light.

For something to happen.

But

Nothing

Happened.

During the first few hours, his body was all tensed, his mind alert, his eyes scrutinising the darknesses for someone to come. Of course, he knew it should be to torture him, but he didn't care at all. He could endure. He was _meant_ to. He had endure his whole life. He still get some notion of the time flowing through his body's cycles: thirst, hunger, somnolence, need to urinate. He hold the last one for half a day before giving up and peeing in his pants, ashamed and soon wet and cold all along his legs. Still, he was far from breaking down. There was nothing he couldn't handle. He was twenty-one, and twenty-one is an age to think you're more or less immortal, especially when you've gone through hell where you should have been loved and protected.

Plus, Sirius didn't even _care_ about death anymore. Remus was dead, and so was he.

His body, however, seemed to think otherway. Soon, darknesses began to _move._ It was nothing at first sight, black spiralling into darker black. The silence, around him, began to whisper and breathe. A freezing breeze that had nothing real brushed his hurting forearms. A taste of blood and chocolate – chocolate, really? – crawled into his mouth, melting with the salt of his tears. He knew he would loose control of his own mind soon.

And didn't care at all.

He knew he was lost.

Harry was safe.

James and Lily were safe.

Nothing else mattered now that Remus was dead.

Madness.

Torture.

That, he could endure.

Because he had no more hope.

The fantasy of an orange spiral appeared and slowly danced in front of him. He didn't say anything. He already knew he was sinking in madness, and the soon shall be the better. Into madness, he might find a relief. Or a quicker way to end his life. For what he cared.

The spiral moved and transformed into a red dragon.

 _Welcome into madness_ , was Sirius's last coherent thought.

~~~

“How is he?” Regulus asked, voice cold and arrogant as always.

“Crying like some baby,” Bellatrix answered in scorn, “the spells are working well. He can't hear, or see, or smell anything but himself. Locking this poof in his own mind was a brilliant idea, Regulus, I must say. I'm delighted to see him suffer.”

“He shall beg soon to be relieved, I assume,” the younger Black grinned. “A shame you have to wait until he does.”

“I won't stay here forever. Snape is making a planning for the three of us to take turns until the Dementors came back. Then, they will take care of him.”

“Very well. I would like to see him pay as well, and for once, we shall share the pleasure, my dear cousin.”

Bellatrix smiled at him and he responded by a wicked lift of his eyebrows. Without a sight for his brother's broken body, he left the cell and closed the heavy door behind him.

Then, he almost ran back to Grimmauld place.

“Kreatcher!” he called, and the house Elf appeared near him. “Where is Mother?”

“The Mistress is asleep, young Master. She said she was tired.”

Regulus shook his head. Walburga was sick for years now. He knew his mother was dying, and for the few love she ever had in her hateful body, she had shared it between her late husband and her second son. He climbed the stairs and crashed in his bed, exhausted and frightened. He needed to Voldemort to trust him. To choose him. Over Snape. Over Bellatrix.

And Sirius was the price of that trust.

As much as he hated that.

One wrong step and he was dead, his brother was dead, and the world was doomed. And he was eighteen. He had known the Dark Lord's secret for two years, thanks to Kreatcher. He even knew where the first Horcrux was. But what about the others? He needed to know. He was alone with his secrets, frightened to death and far too young to handle all of this.

But the point was, Regulus was a Black. And a Black _never_ asks for help. A Black does what a Black had to do, and Regulus knew what he had to do. He didn't expect anyone to understand. No one ever understood, anyway.

After a while, he braced himself enough to crawl out of bed and to his bureau. He took a quill and a notebook and began to write, in a beautifully shaped handwritting.

_30_ _th_ _of September, 1981, 12_ _th_ _Grimmauld Place._

_I used a Muggle teenager to deliver the note to James Potter. It is really easy to cast an Impero on Muggles, they are taken by surprise and do not have a chance to fight back. And they can forget very easily. I hated to do that, however. A part of me still feels like I should simply rule people like that girl, command and be obeyed, with the respect and fear due to my blood and name. Another part... simply does not want to be involved with them in any way. I do not despise Muggles as I once have. They have their own pride, their own world. It simply is not mine._

_For now, I am worried about all of them. Muggles, Muggleborns, Squibs, and Order of Phoenix's members and supporters. Dumbledore may be smart, but he does not know about the Dark Lord's plans to immortality._

_I am. I must be one of the very few. I keep a list at the end of this notebook, that I shall complete tonight. If everything turns as I will, it will be useful soon._

_For now, my plan is setting perfectly, even if it is hard for me to see an hear Sirius's torture by Bellatrix. The werewolf seems to be secured, probably at the Potter's. I am close to get Bellatrix to tell me where she keeps the Horcrux the Dark Lord gave her. Once I will know about all of them, or at least enough to release the informations to the Order, I will go back to the initial plan and go to destroy that locket. I would have done it two years ago if Kreatcher had let me. Some days, I stilll wish he had let me die. Other ones, I bless him for giving me this chance to continue._

_I am very unsure about the future, but in case I should not make it and someone gets to read this diary, please tell Sirius I hope he could still consider me as his brother._

Regulus sighed and opened the notebook to the last page. He let his eyes ran through the first words :

_Persons :_

_Bellatrix Lestrange_

_~~Barty Crouch~~ (but I am pretty sure he knows.)_

_~~Severus Snape~~ (seems that something about him bothers the Dark Lord. Maybe his crush for Lily Evans-Potter?)_

_Places :_

_The Cave (Kreatcher can Apparate there, but a witch or a wizard can not. The Dark Lord tends to forget House Elves' powers.)_

_Hogwarts (but where?)_

He grabbed his quill once more, and added _“Lucius Malfoy”_ to the Persons list. Then, he closed the notebook and put it back into his drawer. Of course, the drawer was charmed to hide the book from everyone except himself. It was a dangerous item for his own sake, but a necessity for his mind's sanity.

“If everything goes right,” he said aloud to comfort himself. “If everything goes right...”

But his tone was flat and quivering, and he hugged his own arms trying not to think about his brother.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so for the ones who are wondering, my novel will be released tomorrow evening. It will be free during the 48 first hours, feel free to download it!!! It's in French, of course, not in English...   
> I will put the link to amazon tomorrow in Whispers of a War new chapter, but for the most impatient ones, you can follow my becoming a pro writer adventures here :   
> [ The facebook page of the book, "La Dernière Geste"](https://www.facebook.com/ladernieregeste/)  
> [ and here is my author page ](https://www.facebook.com/Morgan-of-Glencoe-141911186230279/)


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